Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
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He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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