my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
