So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
