I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
