I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
