I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
