I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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