What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
