There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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