The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
