What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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