I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
