I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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