glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
