I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
