upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bring me that man meat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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