goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
