life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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