Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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