I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
