saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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