when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
