Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
