Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
