I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize