So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
