Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
