i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
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There r osticjed everywhere
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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