I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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