it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
