I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
