Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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