3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Randomize
