Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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