I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
