My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
