i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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