u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
