is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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