C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
