what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
