i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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