My hand turned me down
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
