I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
