Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
