went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize