the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
