Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
