Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"