i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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