I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
