Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
