Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
organizing the empties. That sober.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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