epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
