I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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