No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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