my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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