walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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