So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
