I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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